LOST? or LOST!

In writing this post, I have decided to put myself on the page. Hopefully it isn’t too lame.

 So far, this year has been quite challenging to say the least. So far, I have experienced a lot of firsts; a summer away from home, a full time job, the flatting experience. Adjusting to it all has not been simple. Especially with the immediate start of second year law life once the (rainy) summer ended.

Adding to this are the part-time jobs, homework, trying to stay active, keeping in touch with friends and those who matter most, going to committees and clubs, daily life tasks like cleaning and cooking, thinking about finances and finally making time for the things that make me happy – like writing this blog and going on adventures.  

And that four-lined sentence does not even take in everything that I try to pack into my days. The desire for life balance is real, but distant. I feel like a little kid trying to reach the cookie jar hidden away in the highest cupboard.

My mind is often on a thousand different things meaning in special moments I’m not even paying attention. Stress is my backpack I never take off. I feel so scared that I’m going to make the wrong decision, that I’ll take the wrong path, give a part of me up for the wrong reason.

I feel lost. A thousand doorways are in front of me, but all seem locked. I took the path through the mountains hoping for a view, but a snow storm is shadowing the sun and a wintry chill is blowing me backwards.

 And I would love to just run home. Most days I am filled with longing. “I miss you” sits on the tip of my tongue. I miss my family a crazy crazy amount – you’d think it would get easier, but at the end of a long day, nothing could ever compare to my mum’s warm hugs and my dad’s joking smile. It’s funny how simple things can make everything better. I long for a simpler life where there is time to do the things that make me truly happy. But instead, I get home in the dark to a cold room. Maybe all I want to do is simply cook and eat with a friend.

I’ve learnt that it’s easy to feel alone in a city of thousands.

Study in itself is really hard this year. I signed up for law with big dreams in mind. But it’s difficult to keep sight of those dreams when sometimes the topics are a little hard to understand. It’s hard to stay on task when all I really want to do is write and live and sing and dance. The definition of law is logic, not creativity. I’m not too sure how to be a logical person. I’m someone who follows my heart. Now this can be an epic thing, but it can also be a massive flaw.

Because my heart wants a lot of things. I’m a multi-faceted person in my passions and am quite impatient, I often forget it’s (hopefully) a long life and there’s plenty of time to play and explore.

I’ve reached this point where I’m searching for a way to be who I am. To be who I want to be.

But I think a lot of the time, there are two sides to me and they often conflict. One is committed to the path I’ve chosen; study law, stay in Wellington, keep on top of readings, it says. The other tells me to have fun – to work hard, but to work hard at the things that I love. Why would you waste precious time doing something that doesn’t make you feel absolutely on top of the world? This side tells me to create, to go home, to take a different path.

Back and forwards it goes – and how do I find a balance? How do I find out what I really want?

I’m so tired of this rocking horse I’m on. I am always asking a lot of people for advice too – maybe it’s insecurity, maybe it’s because I am scared of failing, mucking up, fucking up, being a mistake, making a wrong decision and regretting it.

All I want to be in life, is this warm sunset glow pouring over everyone I meet and love.

Sometimes I think, yes life has a plan for me. Somethings may just be written in the stars and one day the stars are bound to align and the weirdest coincidences will happen.

But I also believe that you have a choice in life. The person you are is a choice. The job you work, the friends you have, the way you spend your days is a choice. Love is a choice.

Now this is the part, where I tell you, that maybe it’s okay to be a little lost. Because the greatest adventures happen when you have no idea what in the world you are doing.

*So before you go on any further, put on the song Step Out (Chainsmokers remix) by Jose Gonzalez.*

In searching for who you are, all you need to do is look inside.

If you want something (or someone) badly enough, defy the circumstances, go out and fight for it! I can’t express enough, this is your life, do with it what you want.

Life is hard, life can often be cruel, but it doesn’t have to be.

It’s a rollarcoaster, but always remember rollarcoasters are fun!

Plug in your headphones and listen to the soundtrack of your heart. It will tell you, who you are, what you want and who you are to be.

Set the world on fire, start a happiness riot, laugh at yourself always. Love with everything you have. Share your happiness and inspire others. Do something that scares the shit out of you every single day.

You can spend the rest of your life wishing on stars or longing for something, someone. You can spend the rest of your life scrolling facebook and Instagram wishing you had another’s life.

OR you can put the phone down.

Instead look down from the stars to your feet. Feel the fear, run for what you want and then JUMP!

The stars are on your side baby.

Make every day an adventure.

You are never too old to start something new, to try something different.

GO and grab your dreams by the hand.

If you give up, it’s obviously not for you.

But if you spend every minute of every day and some part of you aches for it, then it is yours.

Feel your heart.

Leave it all behind you.

And become who you’ve always wanted to be.