Like Trees, We Grow. As Flowers, We Bloom.

I decided to write this as a reminder to everyone out there that it's so important to understand we can't always be perfect. 

I write this post as a reminder that self-care and self-love is so essential. Especially in this world, where we are bombarded with ideals of perfection. It is too easy to be hard on ourselves. To focus on our flaws and what's wrong with ourselves and our lives. 

Rather than focusing on these negatives, we should be proud of who we are. We should love our perfectly imperfect selves. But it's also important to know that we can change things we don't like and learn from our mistakes. Just love yourself along the journey.

I write this post as a reminder to be unapologetically yourself. 

Because what nerve they had; to walk in public, wearing their own skin.

For a too long now, I have been trapped in my head. Stagnant. Lost?  I lost myself. Lost myself in layers of stress, external worries and it buried me. Values I hold true to me, engraved on my heart, were scribbled out with a black marker. I have reached the mid point of this year. Reached my 19th birthday and when I look at my reflection in the mirror all I can think, is what have I become? I do not like her at all. Caught and dragged through the day by this person who isn't me. Selfish and taking everything in my life for granted. I started this year building my ship to wreck.

So I have put myself on trial. Confronting the person I was becoming. 

Now it's time to build myself up stronger. To remember who I am.

I think this quote is quite applicible; “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." For so long now I have been talking the talk saying it's different this time, that I am getting my life on track. But really I have been stuck in a rut... 

....Yet, in writing all this - I have understood the most important lesson of all. As my best friend's mother once said to me in a cafe on a rainy day - I am too hard on myself. 

And this is where it all begins. With these high expectations on myself, I know little of self-care. 

Yet, at rock bottom, I've realised the only direction to go is up. It's time to walk the walk. It's time to really change, to grow. Rather then taking myself to trial, I've decided to take myself out of my head - to just live life and then with a cup of green tea and a mountain view, hand in hand with myself, listen to my heart. 

So to myself and to anyone else who finds themselves at rock bottom I say, HEY, LOOK UP!

It's time to reflect. It's time to make some plans.

The questions I have asked myself, may be helpful on your life journey as well. I decided to do some personal reflection. 

Where did it all begin?

Over summer I was a fundraiser for UNICEF. A cause I believe in. At each door I put my heart on my sleeve. And many times I heard "No..." Layer upon layer of rejection slowly infiltrated my heart. I woke up crying, I went to bed tired to my bones. I started the year already with a crack in my belief in myself. I tried to not take it too seriously, but I cared so much about this cause. It hurt when people just turned away.

It was also the first time I was truly living away from home. Last year was a step away, but in a student hall, surrounded by your friends, a 24/7 sleep-over, meals still cooked for you - it was an easy adjustment.

But flatting was harder. Everything is placed upon your shoulders. It shows you how much you can take your parents for granted. And boy was I not ready. I had no idea how to look after myself.

Then I wasn't working, and having to deal with the daily cost of life. It stressed me out majorly. Money going out, but not coming in, didn't make me feel easy. 

Uni started and the cracks began to fracture and expand. Balancing everything, a new job, study, daily living, well I sure did struggle. I was sinking like a stone. 

I disliked what I was studying. I was so homesick. I even thought about moving back to Christchurch. 

I hardly ever saw my close friends so couldn't be reminded of myself. All of this stress I was loading upon myself and those close to me. It was too much. I was making too big of a deal about the little things and I lost touch with who I really am.

I was so unsure about everything. So indecisive.

YET this person, she is NOT who I Am.

I knew what I wanted, I just didn't know how to get to a place of peace and balance.

...BUT now I have found her again.

I've found me...

Who am I?

I am a dedicated dreamer. I love to be inspired. I care an enormous amount. I love a cosmic amount. I'm a fighter and I don't like to give up. I have high expectations of myself and because of this I am crazy hard on myself. Being sad is not who I am. I'm a little different and I love to know the rules and break them - I love to be different haha. I feel things intensely, I guess I'm scared to be vulnerable, but for some reason I like to dive in anyway. This is great because in the high times, boy am I happy. But in the low times, I feel things so deeply - and criticize for myself for what goes wrong (I'm working on this). 

Who do I want to be?

I want to be a ray of sunshine. A light in the dark for those around me. I want to inspire others and paint wild colours in every life I meet. I want to spread love everywhere and let no one come to me without leaving happier. To believe in the 0.0001% chance that things could work out - to not be scared to try. To have a lust for adventure. To be brave and courageous. Not afraid to be something different. I want to be honest, silly and kind. 

I would love to be like the snow crystals shining in the sunlight, light and happy, something magic. 

Who am I right now in this moment?

I am trying to figure it all out. Slowly step-by-step I am becoming who I want to be. I am happy, the dog days are over baby. Growing, blooming. Learning to love myself for who I am.

The favourite parts of me?

The way I care - wholeheartedly and deeply. I choose to be vulnerable again and again, to risk myself and I think that's pretty brave because by choosing to feel and be honest, I choose to really live. I like my optimism and integral hope - I look at the world with dream-tinted glasses. I feel fear but do things anyway. I always try my best. If anything, I always learn from my mistakes. I like how singing and dancing while washing dishes makes me so incredibly happy. It's the little things haha. I live from my heart.

The least favourite parts of me? I.e. things to nurture and to improve:

I can get stressed out way too easily and can be very indecisive. I too easily lose control over my emotions and in this I can become selfish and dependent and lose the balance of self-preservation. As I said before I feel things intensely and deeply - but this means I can get caught up in my feelings and do so to the detriment of others. Boy do I dwell on things, forgetting that I'm only young and there's a whole life ahead on me (well hopefully). Also because of this, I try and load too much on myself and with my high expectations - if things don't work out, it sucks more than it should.

The plan:

My dear friend has a post-it note by the mirror in her room. It talks about fear and love...perfect love casts out fear, because every moment we have in life is an opportunity to choose love or fear.

To face everything and rise.

It's easy to give up. It's hard to continue fighting.

But nothing worth having ever comes easy.

And in the search for self-care. Time is always on your side.

So I am going to be brave. To do the bravest thing of all - to have hope when there seems to be none. I am going to work hard to keep growing and to keep being wholeheartedly me. To grow from my flaws.

- I will find a balance between loading too many things on my plate and self-care.

- I will control my emotions and handle my stress, not placing my burdens on others.

- I will try draw myself back to the moment - through gratitude of all there is, melting the selfish worries away.

- I will remember I am young. It is okay to make mistakes, but I will learn from them. I will also practice self-care and love - lessen the expectations I've placed on myself. 

- I will tread lightly and softly in the lives of those around me. Spreading only love, laughter and happiness. But I will accept that I cannot be perfect, nor hide my flaws. I'll trust instead that those who are worth it will always believe in you, no matter what. Everyone has a dark side, but there are many who will be willing to hold your hand as you try and figure things out. I will try and be a hand to others.

- I will always believe that there's good in this world and it's worth fighting for.

I've figured myself out. Figured out the stresses that had pulled me down; made some decisions, some changes, scheduled myself a life I want to live and a way to live it. Small changes and handling it one challenge at a time is key.

Time is a funny thing. It's all I've been needing. To step back from my life. To look at it from the outside. To see the forest, not to just concentrate on the trees. 

We all need to look inwards sometime, nurture ourselves, find that inner peace. Find out what we love and do it wholeheartedly. With inner peace we can face any hardship that comes our way.  I had called a dark misty fog into my life. But slowly, surely it is beginning to dissipate. If I hadn't of given myself this time to reflect, to look inwards, then I would never find the light. 

I only hope I didn't lose things important in the mist.

The final goal;

To be me. Dancing & singing through the day. Picking flowers for my windowsill. Complimenting strangers. Being honest and kind. Living every moment in gratitude and with heart.

And to you I say:

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

— Dr Seuss

Remember, perfect is too boring - make yourself a piece of art.

You are you and that is your power.